… as a blingosexual transfinancial heavy metal bat of colour [beige].
I have ATM syndrome (Automated Teller Machine syndrome; when the ATM does not want to give me more than I need, I get anxiety), CPTSD (Chocolate Powered Trump Sensitivity Disease : if i eat chocolate and Trump is on TV, I break out in hives) and MTV disease (Metal Thrashing Virus; when metal comes on, I jerk my head uncontrollably).
My pronouns are Queen/Fabulous Bitch.
As a transfinancial person, life is hard. I have been assigned WFYMB (Work For Your Money Bitch™) at birth, that means that I live in a poor woman’s body, when I should have actually been assigned GFMFWOI (Get Free Money For Whingeing On the Internet™) at birth. Life is unfair.
I demand that you call me by my true authentic self titles – which I concocted after a self care session of Jack Daniels and KFC– or else I will report you to the internet police! I hate the police and any kind of societal structure, but if I need to get my point across, I will bully …er talk you into it and get you banned off the tinternet. Because I am a woke libertarian like that.
If you don’t understand my trauma, that is because you are clearly a privileged person who only understands life from their own selfish perspective. If you are white, it is even worse : your hex color code is clearly transfinancialphobic : how dare you have #FFFFFF as a code??
As a capitalo-communist with 5k worth of equipment and 1k worth of excess calories stored on the body I am living in (yes – did you know that bodies are rented to you by God, and sometimes God gives you the wrong body to live in and you shouldn’t exercise the extra McBooty you ingested off, cos you live in a body, rather than be that body) I demand that you stop telling me how to be healthy. Tess Holliday has shown us that you can be close to Lord Diabeetus but still score a cover of a magazine. Who needs functioning limbs when Photoshop exists?
And if you don’t like any of it, you are a literal bigot who is literally committing transfinancial murder. Give me your money to atone for your sins.
I am stunning and brave for coming out.
With Love & Coffee Beans,